I am a Child of God

(from Eric)

I find myself prone to a lot of ups and downs.  Not in a worrisome way, but it is still troubling.  If I'm at the hospital and my patients are all doing well, then I feel great joy at my life and who I am.  On the other hand, if there is a run of bad outcomes, I can feel quite down.  Then, if I go and have a good conversation with a teammate, I can feel great.  A little while later, someone comes to me with a new problem that wasn't on my radar, and I feel like a failure.  I try to shake it off and remind myself of the bigger picture - that there will always be some problems and that there are good things as well.  And that works.  Sort of.

Up and down.  Up and down.  Sometimes quite rapidly, actually.  I feel free sharing about it because 1) it's undeniably true, and 2) I'm pretty convinced that I'm not alone in this.

What's going on inside of me?  I believe it's a question of where I'm rooting my identity and my worth.  My ups and downs are telling me that I have founded my identity on what I do - on my successes and failures.  Since my life is inevitably a mix of successes and failures, my perception of self-value rises and falls like the tides.  To the extent that my heart embraces the Christian truth that my identity is rooted in the unchanging grace of God, that he has loved me and adopted me as his son for no other reason than his unmerited love, my sense of value finds a firm foundation.

So, my ups and downs mean that I've put my faith in the wrong place, namely in myself.  I know this, and what's more, I've known it for a long time.  So why is it still a struggle?  I think it's because some deep part of me really wants to earn my own value, and thus I rebel against grace.  I know it's a non-starter, but the battle rages on.  Recognizing my reticence to such amazing love gives me further reason to thank God for the unconditional nature of his acceptance of me.

So, pray for me.  In fact, pray for us all.  Our team is passionate about our work, and so I don't think it's a stretch to say that we are all tempted to place our identity in the wrong place.  We need frequent, even constant reminders that we are God's children by his grace.

There is a popular church worship song these days which I have enjoyed on this theme.  A couple of weeks ago in our local French service, Dr. Alliance's wife Cynthia led us in singing this song.  The power at the church was out at the time (but not the hospital!), so I got to enjoy it a cappella with a single drum made out of an ancient 50-gallon shipping drum with a cowhide over it.  Enjoy.