Given the interest that resulted from sharing my first call weekend, I've been meaning to share the sequel, but busyness that will be the blog fodder of the near future has prohibited me, and now I sit on the brink of my third weekend. But before it is lost...
First, the result and then a couple thoughts. My second weekend on call was still quite tough, and though better than before, 3 kids died in my 48-hour shift. My ability to walk through this tragedy was to me the evidence that God is indeed teaching me something, even as I am confounded at the beauty and the brokenness all around me. I didn't have to pull anyone in from home for reinforcements this time, slept a decent amount both nights, and even finished daily rounds at a decent time on Sunday (Saturday didn't really fit my idea of "decent").
Thoughts: First, know that all the feedback from all of you was so much appreciated. Knowing that so many people care, sympathize with my difficulties, and are even personally challenged by it - it all makes a huge difference and was very encouraging.
Second, regarding God's mysterious goodness and how it is often veiled to us, Chuck Jacob has talked about "Extraordinary Grace in Ordinary Life". Abraham, father of faith. Did anyone have God working so much in his life? He dies in an alien land with one son, and only enough property to bury his family. Was God working? Yes. Could Abraham see it? No. Was it because he wasn't looking? No. I look forward to the day that we can praise our Maker for his love seen in all his mysteries revealed.
Lastly, two quotes from Frederick Buechner (from "Wishful Thinking"):
-On Prayer: "What about when the boy is not healed? When, listened to or not listened to, the prayer goes unanswered? Who knows? Just keep praying, Jesus says. Remember the sleepy friend, the crooked judge. Even if the boy dies, keep on beating a path to God's door, because the one thing you can be sure of is that down the path you beat with even your most half-cocked and halting prayer the God you call upon will finally come, and even if he does not bring you the answer you want, he will bring you himself. And maybe at the secret heart of all our prayers that is what we are really praying for."
-"Who knows whether their acquaintance with grief will open their hearts also to the grieving of others or whether it will turn their hearts to stone? But for the sake of the one who bore it before they did, we are to honor them for the sanctity of their burden. For his sake, we are called to see their terrible beauty."
I did write a song, because as Carlan says, I "process life through music". My fear is that the song won't stand up to the subject matter, but since I busied the limited Kenyan bandwidth to upload it, I may as well share it.
What I've Been Looking For
(if the player doesn't work, try clicking here)
she is six years old, and she just breathed her last
with my hand upon her chest, and my words hung in the air
like a fog condensing to a drop that falls
and shatters like a piece of broken glass
maybe I should press on
maybe at the end, you'll show me your face
and maybe that's what I've been looking for all along
she breaks into my feverish dream and sparks a crystal voice
she says she thinks she'll understand in just a little while
a little while and all the lines connect
the ground is the air is the ground we walk upon
maybe I should face another day
maybe now it's one day closer to when you show your face
and maybe that's what I've been looking for all along
and even as our tears are fresh
she's looking at your face
and seeing all the reasons why
and all the beauty those solutions display
so just maybe she's rejoicing now
and maybe I will, at the end, when you show your face
and maybe that I've been looking for all along
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